Tivi's Dagger Read online

  “So you’ll finally get your chance to be leader of the Protectors,” I said, straightening up. “I can think of no better candidate for the job.”

  He picked idly at a splinter on the door frame. “Yet the strangest thing has happened. I find that now the chance to lead has finally presented itself, I am not sure I wish to take it anymore.”

  “Why not?”

  To my surprise, my brother’s cheeks darkened in a blush. “I have of late realized that there are many other ways to serve the Gods, and different ways to live that I’d never considered before. When we embarked upon this pilgrimage, I was almost crazed with a thirst for revenge and was ready to march into the camp of any warlord just to see Pol burn. But no matter how much you want to cling to the hurt, you will eventually begin to heal. By the time we got to the second temple I was already riddled with doubts and regrets, and resolved upon completion of our pilgrimage, to bring the Treaty back to where it belonged — as a relic in the Protector’s museum. Now that Pol has gone, there are many younger men than me in the Protectors now eager to lead, and perhaps it is time for new things. For them, for me, for all of us.”

  A shadow crossed my mind as I contemplated his words.

  “Now,” he said. “Let us get ready to leave this inn. We have a wedding to prepare for. I’m sure you’ll be as excited as I am to find which lady Father has selected to be your bride.”

  “I’m sure,” I murmured, as he stepped out into the sunshine and left me in the darkness of the stable.

  Chapter 11

  Our journey with Kari ended where it began, at the foot of the carved stairs to the monastery where he had spent most of his life and intended to spend the remainder of it, if I did not speak my mind soon. But my throat ached with the lump that had lodged there since we left Kalati town. My gaze had not left Kari’s back the whole journey forth, and I remembered Lana’s words with some trepidation.

  Your abiding memory of this pilgrimage will not be your brief glimpse into the mind of the fae, or the beautiful dragon, the awesome peak of Thar Mati nor any other spectacular thing we have seen, but the sight of your lover’s back as he walks away, for he will not follow you to Lis.

  The moss-bedecked statue of Matativi stood over us, dagger tucked away, glass bowls of fresh blue flowers at her feet. I felt as if her blind eyes were berating me as I paced, watching Kari sort through his pack to make sure he had not inadvertently taken any of our things. It seemed that he was laboring over such a brief task — perhaps he was waiting for me to speak. Or perhaps it just did take a very long time to roll up his spare vestments, as he was now doing for the second time. Falthros and Kit were lingering and I was beginning to feel desperate to be free of their priestly presence. Perhaps in the course of their careers they themselves had taken the heads of those caught in “unnatural liaisons” and I glared resentfully at the symbol of crossed and bloodless swords on their breastplates.

  They looked up at the statue with idle interest, making remarks about its size and appearance much as we had done ourselves when we had seen it for the first time, oblivious to the currents of tension and other emotions swirling around in the air around them.

  Lana glared at them, impatience written all over her face.

  “Well?” she barked eventually.

  “Well what?” replied Falthros, shaken from his theological musings by her sudden demand.

  “Well, why don’t you two go and wait somewhere else? We would like to say goodbye to our wonderful guide in privacy.”

  “As you wish, my lady,” he replied, and led his partner some yards away where they sat down on a grassy bank and stretched their legs out.

  My brother heaved his pack to the ground and pulled Kari into a stiff embrace.

  “We may not have seen eye to eye on a great many things,” Brin said. “But it has been a blessing to travel with you, and I want to thank you once more for all you’ve done for us in keeping us safe along the way.”

  Kel’s eyes were brimming with tears as he joined in the hug. “You’ve been an inspiration to me in my studies, Kari. I’ll never forget your kindness, nor your wisdom.”

  And Lana made four. “The best and most handsome guide I’ve ever had,” she said, wrapping her arms about Kari’s waist. Close up, the top of her head only came up to his shoulder. “I hope you’ll be brave enough to be happy.”

  Kari looked both overwhelmed and squeezed to the point of breathlessness. “It was my pleasure,” he said with a wince as the hugs tightened for a moment, then loosed. “I thank Matativi for the opportunity she has given me to travel with you and to know you. We have seen some wondrous things, have we not?”

  And then he smiled, one of those genuine smiles full of life and joy that made his cheeks dimple. By the Gods, I had missed the sight so much. I remembered how his face had lit up when he plucked the snail from underneath the thick leaf up at the Vanishing Lake, and readied me for that silly, wonderful race. That afternoon had been one of the happiest of my life, and all I’d had were the clothes on my back, the sunshine on my skin, and a few strips of dried fish to gnaw for my afternoon meal.

  And Kari.

  Of course I was in love with him. Why had I ever tried to deny it to myself? Since that night by the river I’d been wretched with it, as if a wave had swept me into a warm and thickened sea I could not navigate. For a time I’d feared I might drown fighting its strong current, but I realized the only way to combat the fear was to let go of the ropes that tied me to the shore.

  Kari turned to me to say goodbye. I looked into his blue eyes that were filled with hurt and trepidation and it almost killed me to think I had put those feelings there. I found I did not care if I never saw the Duck and Swan again, nor my friends there. I had been more content to sleep on a hard and dirty floor with Kari beside me than I had ever been with all my forgotten lovers in the sumptuousness of my own bed.

  I took him in my arms and he buried his face in my shoulder.

  “I am sorry for whatever I did to you. I hope you’ll have a happy marriage in Azmara. May Tivi’s dagger wound cleanly, my brother.”

  It was the first time he had ever addressed me so, and it was like a punch in the stomach. My throat was thick, so much so that I could barely speak. I breathed in the scent of his hair, barely able to believe he would walk away. My voice came out as a whisper. “Don’t leave me, Kari.”

  He pulled free of my embrace and looked at me with great sadness. “Our road has come to a fork and we have both made our choices, Nedim.”

  The sound of Kel’s snuffling filled the air as Kari pulled his pack onto his back, gave us a sad little wave, and began to climb the steps toward the monastery.

  Lana kicked me on the shin. “Is that it? You’ve truly chosen your path? Then I’m sorry for you, Ned.”

  It was then that I felt it at last. Tivi’s dagger, poisonous and sharp, poked into my guts and threatened to spill them over the earth for my stupidity. It was a real, physical pain that grew with each moment my former lover was gone from me, and I could not imagine going another step unless it was to follow him. I slumped to the ground, suddenly weary with despair.

  “Go on without me. I don’t want to talk to anyone.”

  “Ned,” Lana began, obviously exasperated.

  “What’s this now?” Brin interrupted, blocking the sun from my eyes. He cocked his head and glared at me. “Are you going to dither at this statue’s feet for all eternity? We must get moving, lest the sun set while we are on the border path, for there are bandits lurking around it at night, as well you know.”

  “I’m not going.”

  As I uttered the words, the knotted feeling in my guts began to release. I took a deep breath of fresh mountain air which seemed to infuse me with a dizzying sense of power. Control over my life, in my own hands. It didn’t have to be just a fantasy.

  “What do you mean, you’re not going? Where will you go instead? You have a duty to fulfill, and Father will be waiting.”

&n
bsp; I looked up at him. “You have done your duty all your life, brother, yet it brought you only to your knees. And more to the point, when did it ever make you happy?” Suddenly bursting with resolve, I got to my feet. “I do not wish to marry some stranger, and what’s more, I refuse to do it. If you do not rejoin the Protectors, then as older brother you will become the heir and Father always wished it were so, as well you know.”

  “What madness is this?” Brin said, clearly horrified. “If I do not rejoin the Protectors then I will remain apostate and Father will have no heir at all.”

  “Father will have his heir. It can be done with the minimum of fuss, if you find the right lawmaker and grease the right palms. The oldest male relative who has no father of his own may assume the mantle.”

  We turned to look at Kel, who was busy drying his tears on the end of his braid. My cousin’s eyes widened with obvious alarm and his mouth dropped open almost comically. “What? I…what? Assume what mantle? Your title, Ned? By the Gods, if you’re telling me I must live with your father and all his tailoring women, then please have mercy!”

  “He is not so bad,” I said, smiling despite myself. “In any case, you may bear witness to this fact now. I renounce my claim to the Melchion title and fortune and I will be heir no longer. Do you hear me? I renounce it all! I want nothing from Father, nor do I need his money. If he is so keen on arranging a wedding then he can marry the wench himself.”

  “By the Thirteen,” Brin whistled. “What a mess you leave me with once more, Ned.”

  “You said it yourself, brother, back there in the stable. Perhaps we all need new things in our lives. And I’ve found what I need. He’s walking up those steps right now and I am not going to let him go without a battle. Your friends there may wish to take my head for it, but we are not yet in Lis so they can stay their swords.”

  We stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity, my brother and I, and he met the challenge in my gaze with eventual resignation and a wry smile.

  “I do not pretend to understand your choices, Ned. Your mind was ever a mystery to me, much as I tried to understand your penchant for the sinful things in life. But you have a kind heart and your soul is yours to care for, not mine. I will not allow anyone to take your head. Come here, stupid one.” He grabbed me in an unexpected hug. “If you find yourself lost, then my door will always be open.”

  Lana launched herself at me and almost squeezed me to death. “As will mine, my dearest friend! As long as you’re prepared to do bit of decorating to earn your keep. The Destar mansion is much in need of a man’s touch.”

  “I’m sure you’ll someday find a man who’s handy with a piece of wood,” I said with a wink.

  She released me and laughed gaily. “May it be so! Now go, before I’m forced to kick you up the arse to budge you from that spot. You have been standing in it long enough, and I am sure that Matativi tires of looking at your sorry figure.”

  I pulled my pack onto my shoulders. “Kel, I am sorry that we never managed to get you laid. brother, I am glad you forced me to come on this pilgrimage for so many reasons. May we meet again some happy day.”

  “Never mind that.” Kel said, his cheeks turning a dark shade of pink. “I am more skilled in navigating the contents of some weighty tome than a woman’s heart, as well you know. May we meet again some happy day, Cousin.”

  “Some happy day,” Brin echoed and with that, I turned and began to climb the steps.

  I felt lighter and happier than I ever had in my life. No longer did destiny have a say in what I decided to do with my life. The fork in the road had appeared and I had made my choice. Now the only trial that remained was convincing Kari that I’d chosen the same path he had. The steps seemed far less steep than they had that first day and I took them two at a time before my legs finally began to protest. The sunlight was fading into a mist that was rolling down the mountain. A flock of pale birds burst from the trees to my right as I tripped up a particularly uneven step. I brushed the dust and stones from my palms and closed my eyes for a second. The coolness of the mist and the scent of pines filled my head.

  The smell of freedom.

  I caught up with Kari just as he reached the top of the stairs. He was breathing heavily after his exertions and had stopped to take in the sight of the monastery before him. The slump in his shoulders told me he was not entirely happy to be back.

  “Kari,” I called. “Wait!”

  “Did you forget something?” His expression was cautious, not telling me anything.

  “Indeed I did. You.” I took a deep breath and went on. “The truth is that I love you with all my heart and soul and I’m so sorry I treated you so badly, for you did nothing to deserve it. Can you ever forgive me?”

  His body was stiff as he folded his arms. “You said you loved me once before, but your actions told me a different story entirely. How can I trust your words now? I’ll be honest with you as you should have been with me back at the river. You held my heart in your hands and you crushed it without a second thought, Ned. I may not have your experience in such matters but I’m no fool, and I’ll not allow you to do that to me a second time, for I could not bear it. You should go back to your family and your bride and forget about me, for when Tivi’s poison leaves my mind and body I will be refreshed and happy once more back in the service of our Lady. Do not let mere guilt over your bad behavior steer you from your destiny.”

  I stared at him, wracked with sudden anguish. Not for a moment had I entertained the idea that he might refuse me. Had all my dramatic announcements back at the statue been for naught? I cursed myself for my ineptitude with words and searched my brains for something to say that would convince him of my good intentions.

  And then I felt the answer slipping against my heart. Breathless, I pulled the chain from my undershirt. The locket was warm in my palm as I flicked it open and held it out for him to inspect. “Do you see what I have carried from the start of our time together?”

  “It is a likeness of some old woman.”

  I made an impatient noise. “No, on the other side. It must’ve stuck there when I closed it up.”

  He peered at it, then looked up at me quizzically. “Is that my hair?”

  I nodded. “I picked it up after your ceremony. Do you know how many people in the world I’ve risen that early to greet? Kari, I’ve loved you from almost the moment I first saw you I was far too late to see what had truly happened in my heart and I was terrified, if I’m honest. You, you’ve spent your life studying love and its effects. Your eyes and heart were open, but mine…you know that I was never destined to need such knowledge, for the marriage that awaited me was ever out of my hands. But I’ve renounced my title and fortune. I won’t marry, and I won’t inherit. I have nothing to offer you but myself. May the Gods help me, I cannot even wash a cloth satisfactorily but I will learn it, and every other mundane job, if only you’ll stay with me. Don’t go back to the monastery.”

  He swallowed, and for one terrible second I thought he was about to refuse me for good.

  “You did that just for me?”

  I nodded.

  “Oh, Ned. There was a time when I believed you pretended to be stupid in order to amuse me. But now I see you truly are so.”

  “Well, if you put it like that, I’ll just go,” I said, smarting. “I didn’t climb these cursed steps and throw myself at your mercy just to be insulted.”

  He laughed, and it was a beautiful sound. “Mata makes fools of every one of us,” he said brightly. Taking my hand, he kissed the faint burns on my palm. It had healed well, and I knew the numbness had left it when I felt the soft touch of his lips. “Of course I’ll stay with you. But since we’re here, I must visit my grandmother and tell her the tale of our failed pilgrimage to Thar Mati and all the wonders and dangers we encountered. She’ll be most pleased to hear tell of the outside world, I imagine, for I know there are times when she misses it greatly.”

  Almost overcome with relief and h
appiness, I pulled him into my arms and buried my nose in his hair. His hands slipped about my waist and we held each other tightly. There was little to say that had not already been said, and we stood like that for a long, long time.

  Chapter 12

  Mother Kiti received us warmly in the same room where we had first met. A feast was hurriedly laid on to celebrate the return of her grandchild — a simple yet substantial meal of rice and pickles in ceramic bowls, dark beans and sweetened eggs in a murky liquid I feared to touch, and strips of bread to mop up the juices. Silver-clad monks filled the room to greet Kari and knelt about us, revealing their faces in order to fill their mouths with food and the proffered wine. Without my brother to look on disapprovingly, I accepted numerous top-ups to my glass as Kari recounted our adventures to his brothers and sisters in an increasingly loud voice. His cheeks were pink and I knew he had become drunk as quickly as I had, so long had we been without a drop of alcohol.

  I didn’t understand what he was saying but I could guess. The monks murmured among themselves and drew lines across their hearts as he spoke gravely of Kath Mai, the Night Walkers, and they bowed to me as Kari held up my scarred palm for them to inspect. With the broad brush strokes of his expressive hands, he painted a picture of the web-filled tunnel; now it was our communal exhaustion, Brin’s twisted ankle and the cavernous inn in Litmeti village. Hunched over, he told of how we had crept through the fae dark under Khar Tam and appeared to swell up as he described the fae who had looked through my eyes. The monks murmured once more, some of them looking at me warily for a moment. Finally, as Kari’s words began to slur, the monks burst into cheers and joyous expressions at the tale of the ancient dragon and her baby atop the shrine at Thar Mati.

  One by one, the monks excused themselves and staggered to the door in varying states of inebriation, and Mother Kiti turned to me, her lips dabbled red with wine. The bulge of earrings on her lobes glinted in the candlelight and I looked about me, puzzled. It was dark outside; I could see so from the window. Where had the day gone?